True stories are always bitter. Fact.
This story is not a complete one. Its a half story with an unknown ending. Its more of musing to be honest. But in my happy place, this story lingers. In my nightmares, this story haunts me.
Because what kills a relationship, any relationship for that matter-not strictly a romantic one, God forbid- is comparison.
Of the degree of love.
Of the degree of care.
Comparison of priorities.
And maybe in some twisted part of mind, comparison of desirability.
This is the thought that kept me awake one night when I sat in the corner of my room, in a dull orange glow and counted the number of people I had in my life who would always choose to be on my side no matter what the competition is, no matter who is on the other side of the bridge. And to be clear, I was thinking about non-related friends, people who didn't HAVE to stick with me because they had no choice. For me true loyalty is when you choose to be with someone even if you have a better option.
So I sat and narrowed down my list to three people. Then I narrowed down my list to one person only. Its not that I didn't have a lot of friends, I was pretty popular back then.
The realisation that despite a circle of ten plus girls, there was only one I maybe mattered most to was self-destructive. In a non-suicidal way. Yet in a way that wreaks havoc in your emotional sensibilities.
I put my friend in the middle of a falling bridge and stood at one end, with her other close friend at the other end and waited for her to choose her direction. In my mind, she too chose the other side.
Another test failed.
List=zero
You may call me twisted. I am.
You may call me selfish. I am.
You may call me unfair. I am.
but how unfair is my wish to be that only one, for once in my life?
Getting on, I picked up the courage and asked my friend the question. Of choice.
Her answer surprised me.
She said, "I would rather have you both in the middle of the bridge with me than chose any side. I would rather have the bridge fall into the river than to do that to either of you."
I was ecstatic. Impressed. Chastised.
I have failed a lot of comparisons since then. A few have brought me down as well. A few may have crushed a little part of me. Because fact is, this is the part of me I cannot change. Nor do I want to.
Because, frankly, what is wrong with my wish to be that only one, for once in my life?
This story is not a complete one. Its a half story with an unknown ending. Its more of musing to be honest. But in my happy place, this story lingers. In my nightmares, this story haunts me.
Because what kills a relationship, any relationship for that matter-not strictly a romantic one, God forbid- is comparison.
Of the degree of love.
Of the degree of care.
Comparison of priorities.
And maybe in some twisted part of mind, comparison of desirability.
This is the thought that kept me awake one night when I sat in the corner of my room, in a dull orange glow and counted the number of people I had in my life who would always choose to be on my side no matter what the competition is, no matter who is on the other side of the bridge. And to be clear, I was thinking about non-related friends, people who didn't HAVE to stick with me because they had no choice. For me true loyalty is when you choose to be with someone even if you have a better option.
So I sat and narrowed down my list to three people. Then I narrowed down my list to one person only. Its not that I didn't have a lot of friends, I was pretty popular back then.
The realisation that despite a circle of ten plus girls, there was only one I maybe mattered most to was self-destructive. In a non-suicidal way. Yet in a way that wreaks havoc in your emotional sensibilities.
I put my friend in the middle of a falling bridge and stood at one end, with her other close friend at the other end and waited for her to choose her direction. In my mind, she too chose the other side.
Another test failed.
List=zero
You may call me twisted. I am.
You may call me selfish. I am.
You may call me unfair. I am.
but how unfair is my wish to be that only one, for once in my life?
Getting on, I picked up the courage and asked my friend the question. Of choice.
Her answer surprised me.
She said, "I would rather have you both in the middle of the bridge with me than chose any side. I would rather have the bridge fall into the river than to do that to either of you."
I was ecstatic. Impressed. Chastised.
I have failed a lot of comparisons since then. A few have brought me down as well. A few may have crushed a little part of me. Because fact is, this is the part of me I cannot change. Nor do I want to.
Because, frankly, what is wrong with my wish to be that only one, for once in my life?
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